I Don’t Feel Like It
I hear this a lot. From the inside of my brain. From my students. From my family. From my friends. From pretty much anyone and everyone. And this is probably something you’ve experienced or said aloud. Especially now that we’re all in a strange and unprecedented time in global history.
But what does it mean?
I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone, but for me, it usually means I need to stop and pay attention to how I’m actually feeling. To check in with my mental state and assess where I’m at that day. This takes some patience. It takes some digging deep. It takes soul searching. It takes getting really quiet and listening – really listening. Past the opinions and the voices and the shoulda, woulda, couldas…and into the knowing part of yourself that really knows. And that’s why so many of us just ignore it – and just say I Don’t Feel Like It. It takes some patience to listen past all of that. But I’m learning that ignoring it isn’t such a great idea.
For a few reasons.
If I search my inner self and find that what I’m really trying to say is that I’m overwhelmed and overworked this creates a problem. Because if I’m feeling those things and it’s manifesting as ‘I Don’t Feel Like It’ it might trigger the other response I have to this phrase which is:
You’re lazy. Just get off your butt and do it.
Which is of course the other side of this coin (more on this later). But if I’m really feeling overwhelmed and overworked, more doing is NOT going to help me feel better.
So let’s unpack overwhelm and overwork. This is important to tease out and really discover if this is what’s behind the ‘I Don’t Feel Like It’ – because if it is – then you need to take a break.
A break could sometimes be a minute, sometimes an hour, sometimes a day, sometimes longer. I tend to push, push, push, push – keep going – keep doing – “no one is going to do the work if you don’t do the work” – but I’m learning that REST is important. Rest is where you find the new ideas, the new perspective, the innovation, the will to keep going and the FUN in the doing. (Right now, as I’m writing this blog, I consider this a kind of rest. I don’t have to write this. No one is making me – I just feel like it. It’s FUN.)
Rest is where your body and mind rejuvenate and come off of their stress responses and actually allow the body and mind to heal. And you can find rest in both big and small ways. Working out (whatever your kind of fitness is), journaling or writing, meditation, walks, taking time to just sit and eat meals. A lot of people listen to music – but, as a musician – that activates all kinds of things – so generally, I don’t listen to music to relax. It’s so distracting. Big ways to rest might be a whole day of doing things that seem interesting to you – that aren’t what you do most days. Maybe it’s try a new recipe, explore a park you haven’t been to, read a book you’ve been meaning to read, call a friend, watch a movie – but really ask yourself what you need. Most times, it’s actually not sitting in front of the TV binging on Netflix – it’s something else that would really fulfill you. (not that I don’t binge watch Netflix…but I try to be really aware of wanting to do that – not just because I think that’s the thing to do). A big way might also be a true vacation. Get away from everything. Turn off the devices. Just be. But whatever REST you need – take it when this idea of ‘I Don’t Feel Like It’ is really saying: I NEED A REST. It’s UBER IMPORTANT to pay attention to the knowing voice deep down that says to rest. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed from whatever life is throwing at you – give yourself a break, be kind and compassionate to those feelings – and make time and space for what you need.
But what about the other side of the coin?
However, if we dig deep and we discover we’re not really overwhelmed or overworked, all too often, this phrase really just means we’re facing resistance because we think something is a) too hard, b) will take too long, c) we won’t be good at it, d) shame, or e) fear. (there could be others, but these, for me, are the biggest). Or, we might be lazy – but honestly, I don’t think anyone is lazy. We just label it as that because we don’t want to look at these other things. Lazy is so often an excuse for some underlying issue. I struggle with all of these at different times, depending on the day. But I’m coming to look at them as old friends that I can learn to recognize, work with, and ultimately, not let them stop me. It’s part of the awesome journey of life to have these present in our lives – and it’s part of that journey to keep coming up against them until we’ve met them in so many ways that we’re able to simply acknowledge them and quickly move past. I’m totally not there yet – but it’s a journey, and I’m totally willing to be on it.
Let’s dig into these resistances.
1) It’s too hard. What’s too hard? To me, too hard is where your skill level/experience do not allow you to complete a task in a reasonable amount of time to keep you motivated. For example, completing a triathlon is too hard for me at this moment in time. I haven’t run in over 6 months, I haven’t gone swimming in over a year, and the most I’ve ridden my bike is the one mile to my job on a flat surface in office clothes – so I’m not going very fast. However, if I started today, I could, probably within a year or so (I don’t do these sports, but I’ve worked out 6 days a week for over 25 years so I’m in pretty good shape) get ready and run a half-triathlon. Then, the following year, if I train really hard, run the full. It’s like this with anything. The trick with ‘too hard’ is to find the right kind of hard. Going back to my triathlon example and where I’m at with these sports – if I set a goal that within 3 weeks I want to be able to run 2 miles, bike 10, and swim a 500, that’s probably doable. And WAY less hard. The right kind of hard. The hard that pushes you to grow, but is attainable. And once you reach that goal, you set another, and so on and so forth. Then, ‘I Don’t Feel Like It’ turns into: ‘I Can Do Hard Things.’ And we grow. Finding that demarcation line might take some patience and practice, but by staying curious and letting go of some of the other resistances below, it becomes easier every time.
What’s on your plate that you feel is too hard? Can you break it down into smaller, more manageable goals that you actually know you could achieve (believe me, you’ll know – because you won’t have the IDFLI phrase pop into your brain)? What happens if you do this on a daily basis with everything you do? What can you discover? What might you unlock? What might you achieve or produce? What might you learn?
2) It will take too long. We’re all pressed and pulled for time in every direction. Take care of the kids, do the job, mow the lawn, write the masterpiece, make dinner…where does all the time go? But you can find time in small and big ways. The biggest time suck for most people is television (or Netflix/Amazon Prime…etc). How many hours do you sit in front of a screen getting fed entertainment? How much of that is really relaxing? What if you stole some of that time away and put it towards something you really want to do? It might take a lot less time than you think. I’ve found I continually overestimate how long it will take me to do something new. For example, I started recording in my bedroom – literally – a few months ago. This means, that my bedroom gets literally transformed into a recording studio. Whenever I want to record, I have to set up the following: interface, keyboard/stand/power, music stand, isolation booth, recording microphone and accompanying cables and power source, pop filter, headphones and then turn on my computer and load up Logic. Just to start recording. The first time I did this, I estimated it would take me an hour to set everything up and route all the cables correctly. It took me 30 minutes. And now, after a few months of doing it, I can usually get everything up and set up in 15 – 20 minutes. And then I can do the thing that really creates resistance – record. And I discovered it’s SO MUCH FUN! I LOVE doing this. Granted, it would be amazing to just have this all set up 24/7 – but I live in NYC and until I can afford a bigger space without living beyond my means, I can totally afford to spend 20 minutes setting up my equipment so that I can do this really fun thing! It’s keeping the FUN in the forefront of my mind when that little ‘it’s gonna take forever to do that’ creeps in. The fun far outweighs the time it will take.
What do you want to do that you think will take too long? What if you give yourself that much time to just be CURIOUS about how long it actually takes to do that thing? What might you do that you really want to do? What fun might it be? What might you learn about yourself in this process? What might you accomplish? What might you discover? How might you grow? What new insights might you find?
3) I won’t be good at it. You’re totally right. You’re gonna SUCK at it. At first. Everyone sucks at the beginning. But why should that stop you from even trying in the first place? The ONLY way to get good at something is to DO it. Unless we got stuck in some weird version of The Music Man where the think system actually works, just thinking about doing something isn’t probably going to make you be good at it. (this is not to dissuade anyone from mental practice – which research has shown to be a highly effective training tool for athletes, musicians, and other performance-based arts). But if you don’t know how to do something, not doing it isn’t going to make you good at it. Instead, REVEL in being a beginner. REVEL in figuring out how something works. Throw out that adult ego that says: well, you have a *insert whatever qualifications you have* you should be able to do that thing that you’ve never even tried. You’re a classically trained musician and you can’t play the blues? Fine. Why should you be able to? You’ve never had that experience. You’re a teacher of English and you can’t write a song? Fine. Why should you be able to? You’ve never tried to write one. But. If you START – you will – eventually – be good at it. If you work at it. A lot. Really. I mean, you’re reading right now. Were you always good at that? Nope. Your 4-year-old self couldn’t make heads or tails of this post. But your – whatever age you are – self is reading this with no problem. Just consider that.
What do you really want to try that you’re afraid you won’t be good at? What if you pretend you’re 5 years old for a minute and ask that 5-year-old self how they feel about trying something new? What if it’s a complete failure – but it’s totally fun anyways. What might you discover? What might you accomplish if you tried something you’re bad at every day for a year? What might happen? How might your life change?
4) Shame. So often, we’re afraid other people will make fun of us for not being good at something. But really, ask yourself, when was the last time that you made fun of someone for not being good at something they just started? Yeah, ok – that mean little kid when you were a child – but honestly, most adults have a lot more empathy than that. And if someone does shame you as an adult – it’s probably because of some failing that they can’t deal with in themselves. Which means we have to have patience and compassion. Because that person is so often stuck. It doesn’t mean we need to accept the comment – just hold it with the compassion it needs. Brené Brown is a researcher and sociologist who researches shame – and she writes, “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” So basically, if we can’t accept who we are, we can’t accept others – and so we shame them into feeling crappy so that we can feel better about ourselves. How messed up is that? And we do it to ourselves. How many times have you said to yourself, “why bother – you’ll never be as good as…”? I bet it happens at least once a day for me – but I have tools to fight this now and to recognize it when it’s happening – so I can get myself out of it. But it certainly isn’t a good reason NOT to do something. It’s the reason TO DO something. To fight that. To say – whatever. You’re wrong. I’m gonna do this anyways.
What ways can you show up for yourself today? Could you give yourself a hug and tell yourself you’re awesome? Could you write ‘I am enough’ on your hand in magic marker for a day? Can you look in the mirror and speak aloud a truth you wish you felt? What happens if you added this little practice to your day? How might it change I Don’t Feel Like It to – well, maybe I will?
5) Fear. Oh. This is my favorite. Fear. Fear is arguably the most boring thing about any of us. Truly. Everyone has fear. Everyone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an important emotion. It keeps us safe when we’re in dark alleys, it alerts us to potential danger, it gives us the signal that someone is creepy and it helps us know when the lions are coming to eat us. But beyond that, it’s kind of boring and useless. Not that fear doesn’t try to make itself loud and important. It does. And it’s VERY good at it. But unless we’re in dangerous situation, fear isn’t very useful and it usually keeps us from doing the exact thing we really want to do. It needs to be in the car, but it only gets to drive when things are actually dangerous. For me, fear is really the first thing that manifests – and it shows up as the previous 4 things. I’ve learned it’s a two-sided coin – fear of failure and fear of success. Fear of failure is pretty easy for most people to grasp – we don’t try something because we’re afraid we might fail at it – and it directly connects to the first four things on this list and how they manifest out of fear. Fear of success is a little more sticky. We think we want to succeed – but there’s sometimes a little part of us that is afraid of what will happen if we do succeed – because then we might have to live up to that reputation or project and deep down, we either don’t think we deserve it, or don’t think we’re enough in some way to merit the achievement. WHAT?!?!?! I know. I SO struggle with this one. Fear of failure, for me, has become something I can pretty easily brush off – but fear of success – it’s SNEAKY. I don’t always see it, mostly because the ‘being enough’ thing is a really big one for me. I so often think I don’t deserve it – I haven’t done x, y, or z yet…etc. Again, journey. Working on it. To work on it, I invented a little monster as a construct to help me work through some of this stuff when it shows up. It’s purposefully funny, but with the potential to be a badass when I need it to be. It’s a blue fuzzy monster with a huge pink mohawk, sunglasses, and leather jacket by the name of Fear. And it sits in my passenger seat all day, 24-7. The only time it’s allowed to drive is when things are actually dangerous. The rest of the time, it just screams its tantrums. I listen. I talk to it in my head. I say, thank you so much for caring about my well-being, but right now, because I’m not in a dangerous situation, I really need you to be quiet. Fear is learning. It appreciates that I hear it and listen – and then it gets quiet so I can focus on whichever and whatever aspect of what I’m working on is most resistant. Then, I can DO.
What does fear look like to you? What is it wearing? What happens if you start to be friends with your fear? What shifts inside? Do you struggle more with fear of failure or fear of success? Why? What can you do to overcome this? How can work with your fear to reach whatever goals you have? What happens if you do? What changes in your life?
I Don’t Feel Like It - in brief
Dig deep and ask where this is coming from
o Overwhelm/Exhaustion: TAKE A BREAK
o One of the five things: Explore how to work through them
I think the most important thing is to really just dig deep and look inside to the part of you that knows. Swim around in there – as uncomfortable as it is. Sit with it. Make friends with those dark places. Revel in the humanity that they exist and that we have these parts of us to balance the others. Explore what happens if you loosen your grip on them – or if they loosen their grip on you. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel like it.
A note:
Just to be clear on all of this, I’ve spent the last ten years really digging into this stuff personally. I still struggle with some of it. Some of it has become a lot easier. But I had help. We all need help. So, find it in whatever ways you can. I have a wonderful therapist, amazing friends and family, and BOOKS. I read a LOT of books. Some I’d recommend regarding all this stuff are:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
Don’t Keep Your Day Job by Kathy Heller
Show Your Work by Austen Kleon
So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport
You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg
Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron