Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about journaling. Everywhere I go, the idea of journaling keeps coming up. From my therapist, from the internet, from books, from kind, well-meaning friends and colleagues. But here’s the thing:
I don’t find journaling useful. At all. (gulp…yes…I’m admitting this)
Oh. I’ve tried it. I’ve done the whole Julia Cameron Artist Way thing of the morning pages. During the pandemic, for an entire month, I dutifully wrote three hand written pages of whatever was on my mind that day. Hoping for some enlightenment that so many people seem to find when doing her work. What did I find? Nothing changed. I even went back and read all of them to see if I could find something useful or workable for my work. Nada. I used to write in journals as a kid but when I find those, they’re mostly about how much I liked this boy or that boy or how much I just wanted to change my life or some stupid thing that in all honesty, was just whining. I commute from NYC to Boston twice a week on Amtrak and my first year, I thought I would do a weekly ‘unpacking’ journal of the journey. I kept it up for about two months and then it just sloughed off into oblivion. I didn’t notice anything different while doing it or not either lol. I’ve done it because I’ve given the assignment to students to journal and I try again – but nothing changes. I don’t feel any more or less creative. I don’t notice anything new about myself or my thoughts or actions when I journal. I don’t find any new song ideas other than the ones I’ve already thought about. My brain continues to be on overload. I don’t find new and exciting things to write about or personal insights that might help me with my life. All of which regular journaling is purportedly supposed to shine a light on.
I keep wondering: what’s wrong with me?
I’m writing this blog because perhaps you’re also wondering what’s wrong with you if you also don’t find value in journaling. I’ve been thinking about this a lot – and perhaps this blog is a kind of journaling exercise….but not really I think because it’s intended for other people to read, whereas journaling is a solitary exercise intended to help one uncover deep and meaningful insights.
Here’s what I’ve unpacked so far:
1. I prefer to walk. This is where I do most of my heavy thinking. There are different kinds of walks. Walks where I worry – I actually call them ‘worry walks’ and they’re generally happen when I’m teaching at Berklee and on my walk to and from the college, which is about 1.5 miles each way, I worry. I worry about students who are struggling and how I can help them, I consider my lessons and what I’m going to teach and share as well as how the classes went and what I might do better next time – or how I might follow up with a student who might need a little extra help. I consider colleagues and emails and all kinds of things related to my ‘day job’. I also walk to work out issues I might be having with my own relationships, with my artist career, with things I’m struggling with, with ideas for songs….with so many things. Walking clears my head. There’s actually science-based evidence showing that different parts of our brain ‘wake up’ during a walk and that most of the successful, brilliant people in the world walk. (they also journal…but hey…we can’t all be everyone else). Sometimes I walk and listen to podcasts or music, but usually I just walk and watch all the thoughts that come in and out of my head with curiosity and awareness. And if something is especially curious, I tug on the string a little to unravel it and see what it wants to tell me.
2. I write a LOT. Just not in a journal. Which I think is a huge reason why journaling doesn’t seem to do much for me. I’m writing just about every day in some context or manner. Prose, paragraphs, songs, short blurbs. I write content for social media marketing for both myself and Songwriting for Music Educators (SFME), I write and respond to at least 25 emails daily from different aspects of my life (I have 7 email addresses that help me keep them all straight), I write blog posts for myself and SFME monthly, I write journal articles, I write newsletters, I write book chapters, I’ve written complete entire books, I’ve written courses, I’m always writing slide decks and lessons for students, I’m writing feedback to students on their songs and class exercises…so much writing. I write out entire semester’s worth of plans for seven individual classes a semester. I write recommendation letters and grant proposals and booking emails and….the list is just that I do a lot of writing. And that doesn’t even count the 1-5 songs I’m writing myself during a week where I’m reworking, rewriting and learning about myself in a musical journal of sorts. The latter is probably the strongest journal-esque thing I do – but I know a lot of songwriters who find journaling extremely helpful and valuable. I’m just not one of them.
3. I hate my penmanship. Yeah, I know. I could just type – but there’s something about the idea of journaling that seems to warrant pen and paper – analog style. But my writing is cramped, unreadable and messy and it totally goes against everything I feel about myself and my life. And yes, I’ve worked on it. I’ve bought penmanship books and handwriting books and watched YouTube videos…and when I do the workbooks, my handwriting is impeccable and stunning. But as soon as I actually just try to write, half the letters are all caps, half are cursive mixed with print and they’re all slanted and cramped and you can’t read anything. Which I abhor.
4. I haven’t discovered magic. When people write about how journaling has affected their lives, they often discuss how it helps them process, how it helps them feel – and be – more creative, how it helps them see their thoughts. I have never found there to be any difference between when I journal and when I don’t as to my level of creativity. I don’t have any problem being creative. I don’t even have to think about it. I just do it. Yeah, I know, that’s not the norm – so maybe I’m just weird or wired differently - but if you want me to write you a song right now, I’ll write you a song. If you want me to draw you a picture or make up some meal from the kitchen cupboards, I’ll do that. If you want me to design something for you, I’ll do that – no problem. If you want me to come up with a chord progression on the guitar or piano or even an instrument I don’t play well, I can do that for you – no problem. I don’t have a negative or scarcity mindset about creativity. I’m just not wired that way. I know a lot of people struggle with this. And I feel for you, really, I do. That’s just not my reality. I’ve often thought it would be interesting to experience that, but whenever I think about what that would be like, I honestly struggle. I’ve spent so much time wiring my brain to be creative, considering the alternative is just, well, odd.
5. I like to talk to people. Truly. This is where I often work out a lot of my shit. It’s in talking to people. Where someone can ask me questions and help me find a way through. Where it’s an iterative process of a back and forth. I have specific people I call to talk about specific aspects of my life because let’s be honest, not everyone has the questions that you know need to be asked when you’re working through something. You’ve gotta call the right people for the job. I recently read a book called ‘Time to Think’ by Nancy Kline that totally opened up this world of talking and LISTENING even more - highly recommended!
6. I read. A lot. This summer I’ve already read 15 full books and I’m trying to get to 25 by the end of August. We’ll see if I make it lol. I’ve read just about every creative and songwriting book that exists in the world. I’ve read more self-help books about creativity and being an artist than most libraries have in stock. (if you have any recs you think I haven’t read….please DO let me know – or if you want my list, happy to share!) I read business and music business books, books about activism, books about women, historical books, dragon fantasy books, books about being a better ________ (you name it), fiction, non-fiction – reading is just fun and it’s where I’ve learned a lot about myself.
I was talking to my cousin about this the other day – feeling kind of weird and angry because everyone it seems finds journaling the most amazing thing ever and I just find it tedious. I shared with her that when I feel this way, I often try to re-examine my relationship with something because, hey, what if I missed something? What if this holds the answers? She said, ‘maybe it’s just not your thing?’ So in the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that journaling isn’t the thing for me – at least right now. I might honestly try again at some point…because well, the brain changes – we all change – so maybe that will too. (I’m not counting my chickens though….almost 50 years on this earth and it hasn’t changed….)
So, if you’re feeling like everyone around you is telling you that in order to be a better person, a better and more well-rounded creative, a better…whatever….you absolutely need to journal. I give you permission to get off the ‘shoulda-woulda-coulda-train’ and simply find what works for YOU. Because you are an individual. However your brain likes to process information is how your brain likes to process information. And maybe that is journaling (caveat: if you haven’t tried it, I actually do recommend doing so – because, for many people, it holds a lot of great things), but if you’ve tried it and come up empty, perhaps it’s time you take your ideas and thoughts and find what works for you to process everything that’s going on in the world.
Just like there’s no right way to write a song, there’s no right way to figure out your thoughts.