I never felt like I belonged where I grew up. I always remember, even as a small child, not really belonging and trying everything I could to fit in. Oddly, I’ve since learned that the opposite of belonging is fitting in (read Brene Brown’s work for more information on this - it’s amazing!) - so no wonder I never felt quite like I belonged.
I grew up in a small town in rural Wisconsin and I lived way out in the country on nine acres of woods. I had a treehouse and a tree fort and outside was always a place to play – usually with my brother and sister, as finding and making friends was hard for me. I did have one dear friend that I made when I was in Kindergarten and we are still friends today, even though she moved away after 5th grade. Somehow, our friendship has endured decades of letter writing and inconsistent, but meaningful communication and I am incredibly grateful for her friendship.
In middle school, I was bullied and made fun of by people who would eventually become my “friends” in high school. But as you can imagine, there was never a lot of trust in any of the relationships. I doubt most of them even remember the pain they caused me when I was a kid – it was stupid click-y stuff that kids do - and I’ve forgiven all of them. I’m friends on social media with many of them, but I don’t ever really feel the need to reach out and grab coffee or attend reunions.
I know I never really felt safe with any of them because of the story I was telling myself. I just never trusted them – and trust is a really big deal to me. But at that time, I was just grateful to have people to sit with at lunch who didn’t seem like horrible humans and that I could just kind of get along with and not have my parents bug me about my friends or anything. But I didn’t get invited to the parties or events and was usually just left out of conversations. I wasn’t super extroverted anyways, and high school is hard. When you’re a shy, creative person who feels like they never belong anywhere trying to fit in with all the wrong clothes and inability to do your hair…well, you just keep your head down, lean on your strengths (I had a brain and I liked music and creative pursuits) and just pray for the day when you can leave.
After graduation, I headed for a small liberal arts school in Wisconsin. Keep in mind, this is the mid-90’s, so even being able to research alternatives wasn’t like it was today. The internet was in its nascent stages. I was a voice major studying classical voice and I’d never had a voice lesson in my entire life. I didn’t even know you could take voice lessons. And again, I just didn’t fit in. I didn’t enjoy singing classical music, and I tried making a go of jazz at the school, but they just didn’t have the resources I needed. So, I transferred to The Manhattan School of Music in NYC and dug into jazz. A music I had considered for most of my life as ‘weird’ but that somehow held an appeal that I couldn’t explain. Looking back, I know it was my dad, who’s love of jazz, influenced this love of this important music, and I’m so glad that I had the opportunity to pursue it, live in that world, and learn as much as I could.
Twenty years and three degrees later, I’m still living in NYC, and I no longer sing jazz. It’s still a huge part of my identity as a person and a songwriter and I adore the music, but my creative self wanted to lie somewhere in between jazz, pop and folk – and to create original music - and I followed – and continue to follow that heartbeat.
In 2021, about a year into the pandemic, I had just learned to play guitar – I’d probably been really working for about 4 months – and I was trying to play Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell (TBH, it’s actually the only cover I’ve ever learned on the guitar) and I really just loved the alternate tuning (DADF#AD) and I stuck a capo onto the 4th fret and started using the chords and coming up with a strumming pattern and this idea of my childhood and leaving Wisconsin to move to NYC to follow a dream came into my head. Coupled with the idea that so many people I knew were leaving the city for green pastures and getting out of the city life.
For the longest time after I left Wisconsin, I felt that I had run away from everything – I’d run away from the people who were mean, I’d run away from a small town, I’d even run away from my family (or so I thought they felt). But when I really stopped to look at what had happened, what I realized was that I hadn’t run away. I had run toward. Toward something new. Toward something that had been calling me since I was a little girl. Toward something that would challenge me and help me become who I am today. And I thought about all the people leaving and how so many social media posts were spouting that people were leaving. But maybe they weren’t leaving. They were arriving where they really wanted and needed to be.
This whole song just fell out. In under an hour I had pretty much the whole song. I couldn’t really play it on the guitar while singing at any tempo I was hearing in my head – but the concept was there and 95% of the lyrics showed up too. It was one of those magical songwriting experiences so many songwriters talk about (that I generally disdain because well, that’s just not how it usually happens – songwriting is work – work I love – but it’s work). But that day? It happened.
The song is an amalgamation of my feelings about leaving Wisconsin and moving to NYC and about all the things I’ve run towards. Which inevitably leaves someone feeling like you left. But perhaps, like this song, we can start seeing it for what it really is – and maybe, just maybe, it might change our perspective on that person as well as our own changes and movements.
I hope you’ll take a listen HERE.
Runnin’ - music & lyrics by Kat Reinhert (c)2021
Did you ever wanna leave the town that you’re in
Pick up and go on a prayer and a whim
Leave all you know behind
And reach for something
That might not be yours to find
Well something tells me that I just can’t find it here
And if it’s not out there
Well at least I didn’t give into fear
Not running away
I’m running toward something new
Not running away
I’m running toward something new
Something true
And it’s gonna be good
Did you ever wanna see beauty not by mother nature
Skyscrapers and faces in every color of the rainbow
Be something more than what they think you can
Prove them wrong and end up being more than the man
Cause something tells me that I just can’t find it here
And if it’s not out there
Well at least I didn’t give into fear
Not running away
I’m running toward something new
Not running away
I’m running toward something new
Something true
And it’s gonna be good